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How do we motivate a child? Should you praise / not praise?

Before reading the article, think for a minute as to how do you make your child do what you want him to do? Most of us would resort to bribing…

‘If you eat I will give you ….
‘If you don’t do your homework, I will not ….
‘Clean up your room and we will go out…
‘We give them sweets if they are quiet and a praise for listening to us…
‘We give rewards to the child for doing what we want them do…

This goes on and on and we do not spare the very small infants also. How many of us have not taken our kids to the window to feed or shown him chocolates to do what WE WANT HIM TO DO? 
Doesn’t this make life easier for us??

But what about the quality of relationship we are building with them? Is it really ok to do things this way or is something missing in our communication with them?

It slowly becomes a cycle of ‘bribe-work done-praise’ and the child hunts for praise everytime .

THE QUESTION IS if not like this, then how?
Is praising the child valid?

First you must understand that this kind of handling leads to a conditioned response in a child where the child performs for something in kind or appreciation or praise from you…the short term goals are met with…you have achieved for the day what you wanted him to do…but again has it been of any use in the long term?

No!

In the long term, your child would still detest eating, would still not study if left alone and would still not be kind and polite when you are not around. So what have you achieved?
In all this we forget to build a quality of relationship with the child that is needed for the overall growth of the child.

This is something like a scientific study done where dogs were taught to salivate on hearing the dinner bell…the dog could be taught to respond how  the scientists wanted them to but would that be long lasting? What if the dinner bells wouldn’t ring?
Do we build any relationship with the dog?
Now why do we actually resort to all these means?

The answer is to make our task easier. Though done with the best intentions in mind, this kind of conditioning the mind slowly and surely erodes on the self esteem of the child.

When we praise the child for everything he does….it dampens his enthusiasm in the long run and in the absence of this praise, he feels lost .This may affect his entire life later on…family, relationships, work atmosphere and all the fields in his life.
He would look for appreciation and if not given would feel small and useless.

Unknowingly, praising and rewarding too much in childhood has sown the seeds of decreased self worth and low self esteem in him as his entire presence depends on the others approval.
Praise for everything makes children feel judged and evaluated .Very sensitive children can see through this game that you are playing. They know that they are being praised unnecessarily…they know it when you bribe them…they know when they can manipulate you to get what they want and the only thing they do not know is to do things to make themselves happy.

Their work performance and activities become dependent on your requirements and needs.

Many of you would recall that there have been times when you are busy in your work and your child comes showing off something. Most of us have a tendency of looking up for a briefest of seconds and smilingly praising him for that, immediately going back to the work we were doing.

Do you really you think that your child has not seen through this?)

They become busy… to do things for your (the parents-their ideal and their leaders) satisfaction.
Now coming back to how do we then motivate a child to do something?

Definitely you must praise your child when indicated as given below

• If your child has performed something new for the first time

(You must not keep on praising your child everyday for the same thing, everyday. like every time your child jumps from the sofa, writes the alphabets, studies for an hour…etc. for the first time, yes…you must for the first time, but not everyday.)

•  When your child crosses his mark and does something extra (from the alphabets, he starts with the words, he jumps from a higher level, studies on his own…etc)
• A star chart that is recommended now throughout the world is not to be used to make your child do activities like eating food, listening to you being a ‘good boy’ etc.

IT IS TO BE USED ONLY FOR DEVELOPING A SKILL OR AN ART FOR CHILD like painting, music, pottery or anything that your child is learning.

Here if you are using this chart or bribing the child, you are not doing it to make your job easier but to give that initial push to your child to give him the gift of any one skill in his life.

To develop any skill in a child, he needs to practice and that is very dry and dull for the child. This is where bribing him with stars and gifts at the end make sense for some time. In a few years your child will actually develop a real liking for what he is learning and will not need pushing to do that thing.

To make him do other routine activities like eating…you have to adopt other means for which we will be helping you in a few more articles to come in the next few weeks.

So from now, love your child unconditionally and not for what he has done…
Praise him genuinely and not to make him happy or get your work done
Resort to stars and gifts for the soul purpose of enhancing his skills…

Your child has a brain of his own and do not try to mask his thinking with yours…

Keep reading for more.We wish you happy parenting